You are NOT Crazy
This phrase was by far the most stabilizing thing I heard as I began to work my way out of the fog and confusion of abuse. I had one friend who, for a period of time, would tell me that every time we talked.
I remember being excited to find this website called that very thing: youarenotcrazy!
You are not crazy. Your abuser is doing and saying crazy things. But you are not crazy.
You are not crazy. You feel unsteady. That is a normal response to abuse. Because ABUSE is what is crazy. Your abuser is doing and saying things that are, by their nature, destabilizing. You feel unsteady from those things. Feeling unsteady and off center is a normal reaction to destabilization.
Think earthquake. The house is shaking. You feel unsteady. You can fall over easier than when the house is not shaking. You are wobbling. Maybe grabbing to hold on to something (I don’t know–I’ve never been in an earthquake. I have been in an abusive relationship). My point is that you feel and show the unsteadying effects of the problem. But the problem itself is not you. The problem is the earthquake. Calling yourself clumsy and uncoordinated because you are having a hard time standing during an earthquake misses the point and is unproductive. Finding a safe way to stabilize yourself as best as possible during the shaking is more productive.
You are not crazy. The abuse IS crazy. By its very nature. You are not, by your very nature, unstable. Even if you need help to hang on and survive the shaking. You may need help because of the effects of longterm destabilization (earthquakes and the unsteady feelings that result pass quickly, abuse goes on and on and on). But don’t fall into the abuser’s trap of thinking that because you are feeling unstable, that your instability is the problem. You are not crazy and your emotional wobbliness is an effect of the abuse you are facing, not the cause.
Here’s what Lundy Bancroft says,
If your partner criticizes or puts you down for being badly affected by his mistreatment, that’s abuse. Similarly, it’s abuse when he uses the effects of his cruelty as an excuse, like a client I had who drove his partner away with his verbal assaults and then told her that her emotional distancing was causing his abuse, thus reversing cause and effect. He is kicking you when you’re already down, and he knows it. Seek help for yourself quickly, as this kind of psychological assault can cause your emotional state to rapidly decline. (Why Does He Do That? pgs. 126, 127)
I highly recommend this book as another stabilizing factor to help assure you that you are not crazy. The above quote is from a section answering the question, “Is the way he is treating me abuse?” Although my husband had never hit me and did not abuse through name calling or yelling, Mr. Bancroft’s checklist of 12 things made it very clear to me that what I was experiencing was abuse–10 of the points were happening in our relationship. The examples he gave helped me see that I was not making this up or imagining it. The 12th point is “You show signs of being abused.” Every one of those was true about me. Ironically, my husband had been using those things in me as reasons for his anger and proof that I was off my rocker. But, reading this book, I saw clearly that I was NOT crazy, and my fear, lack of energy, etc. were effects of the destabilization, not the cause of marriage problems.
